I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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