he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
