Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
