Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
