ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
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Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
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I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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