Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
