I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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