when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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