My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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