dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
