Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
