That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
