I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize