I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I pour the whiskey from now on
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
