I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
