Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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