Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
