standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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