I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
