I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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