Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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