I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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