I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
