Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
