you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
