i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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