WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
