Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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