I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
