I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
