I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
