you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Duck Duck Cougar?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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