Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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