I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
