you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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