i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
