I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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