Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
