My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
