The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
