I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
