She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
