we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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