It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
