3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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