Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You're earring is so big in my mouth
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
