A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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