Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
