Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
