i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
