I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
