I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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