At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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