i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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