her facebook's as public as her vagina
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
