my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
