I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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