I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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