Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
