So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
