woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
