Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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