Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
